King of Caulk
(to the tune of King of Pain by the Police)

Theres a tube of caulk
in my gun
today
Its the same old caulk
as yesterday
Theres 50 more pounds
behind the door
Ive a sinking feeling
that there’ll be more

Over the last few months, a variety of stories about the history of our 125+ year old home have been divulged to us from several sources. The original two story home was where the head family lived when our holler was a post-civil war town called Link. The living room and kitchen was once the post office which was rolled via logs and mules and connected to the main home back in the roaring twenties. At some point during the last 25 years the old post office which had been 3 rooms became the great room (also known as our living room) and the front porch became the kitchen.

History says that during those turbulent 1960s this house which had no running water or heat, had been rented to numerous bands of gypsies. In the 70s it was purchased by a woman who had 8 kids from 8 different fathers. She was known to the others in town as the Pig Lady (and I’m sure known as a few other descriptive terms, but my mom reads these so I’m gonna keep it clean). She ran a pig farm, and legend has it that she let some of the pigs roam freely -- in the house. Before she decided to sell, she tried to burn down the barns to collect insurance money. However, while she took the matches to the barn she had organized a caravan of trucks to cart off the pigs. At least that’s what how the story was told to me by various sources.

In the late 90s the house was sold to a couple whom we bought the house from. They were responsible for bringing the house back to life. The man is a mythical character in these parts. Various accounts from the locals say that he was in the Special Forces for 3 tours in Vietnam and spent many months alone in the jungle. He has no compunctions about what it takes to live off the land for example; if he had severed his leg while hunting he’d probably sew it back on with fishing line. He is that kind of a guy. His wife, is a master cook and will behead a chicken, clean it and serve it for dinner on the same night.

When we bought the house, I demanded that the duck and deer silk-screened paneling had to come off of the walls in the great room. (pictures will come later). Doc began the renovation back in April, by August I was able to pitch in. Now in October, we are finally coming closer to the end. The renovation was not without its issues like finding electricians to actually show up to do a job and getting a price on flooring then having it shipped. All the simple things seemed to take forever. It wasn’t until we actually started to tear things out that we began to notice it: Caulk.

It was everywhere!

Caulk held down the linoleum in the kitchen; it held the ice maker tubing in place on the fridge and along the wall; it patched large gaping holes in the vinyl siding of the house; it was even used as ceiling texture. Everywhere we looked, caulk was there. In the bathroom, caulk was used like the expense accounts of Tyco’s CEO. The backboard of the bathtub faucet looks like a butter cream birthday cake. To the vet and cook, Caulk was the 8th wonder of the world. Consequently, one late night while covered in grime and construction dust, I dubbed the previous owner the King of Caulk. Perhaps the coronation was too soon.

Yesterday, I had the privilege to meet the previous owners’ son. The son is a very nice man whose wealth of knowledge simply astounded me and works as a government construction contractor. He gave us advice on doing drywall (of course after we had just finished it) and other home repair tips. But his best tip of all was: “If you’ve done your best, Caulk the rest!” Doc and I gave a quick knowing glance at each other. He then added that he, himself had done a lot of the fixin' on this house.

That statement made my mind wander. All of a sudden, the room became an old movie theater during WWII and on the screen was a newsreel. There I was in black and white on the screen in a fancy feathery hat dressed like the Queen Mum waving to the crowds and quickly speeding off in a shiny black rolls royce. Then the spinning newspaper headline comes up and reads :

King abdicates throne to son by order of Prime Mistress
and her cabinet!

And the voiceover man who had that booming tell all voice said:

In a historic decision based upon new facts, the King will pass the crown to his son who is justly deserving of this most righteous title of the throne. Long live the King of Caulk. The Prime Mistress was unavailable for further comment though she was spotted having a cozy lunch of cucumber sandwiches, two chocolate bon-bons. and a martini.

Copyright ©2004

Featuring some of the finest hits ever recorded about Caulk!

Paul Simon's
50 Ways to Leave your Caulk Gun

Just fill in the crack Jack
Dab a little round the Fan, Stan
Don't need on the Boy, Roy
Just set your self free.

Grateful Dead's
Caulking

Caulking, got some chips show-in, Keep Caulking, like the caulking man, Together more or less it's fine, Just keep caulkin' on...

Bee Gees
Jive Caulking

With all your jive caulkin'
You’re fillin' the lines, yeah
McCully Culkin
Don't get in my eyes
It’s just your jive caulkin’
That gets in my way

Queen
Bohemian Caulksody

I see a little caulk
Cause a little caulk will do
Skalah boosh skalah boosh
Can you do the fandango,
Blunder bolts of caulking,
Very very frightening
Galileo,galileo,
Galileo galileo
Galileo figaro-magnificaulk

Black Sabbath
Caulking Man

Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he caulk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
We’ll just caulk him there
Why should we even care?

DEVO
Caulk It

When a problem comes along
You must caulk it
Before the tub leak gets to strong
You must caulk it
When something's going wrong
You must caulk it

Caulk it
Now Caulk it Good

NewWave Caulk Hits
features more like:
Depeche Mode
I Just Can't Caulk Enough

The Go-Go's
Our Caulk has Sealed